They say the heart wants what it wants. But what happens when what the heart wants is actually a carefully constructed illusion? What happens when you realize you weren't in love with a person—but with a fantasy you created about them?
This is my story of limerence. This is my journal. This is Day 1 of choosing to heal.
⚡ The Beginning: When Lightning Strikes
September 13, 2025. Friday, 11:59 PM.
A simple Instagram DM. That's how it started.
They reached out first. We talked. We connected—or at least, I thought we did. The conversation flowed naturally. There was laughter. There were shared interests. We both worked in law, both had similar backgrounds.
They were warm, respectful, and seemed genuinely interested in learning from me. They called me with an affectionate term that suggested both respect and closeness.
September 21, 2025. Sunday.
Our first meeting. QQ Kopi Tiam at FX Senayan, Jakarta.
We talked for hours. About law, about careers, about life. The conversation felt natural, comfortable, like we'd known each other longer than just a week.
I went home that night feeling... different. Lighter. Happier. Like something had shifted in my universe.
That should have been my first warning sign.
Because here's the truth I didn't want to see: I barely knew them.
The Obsession Begins
Within days, they consumed my thoughts completely.
- 3 AM? Thinking about them.
- During work? Checking my phone for messages.
- Teaching classes? Distracted by memories of our conversation.
- Before sleep? Replaying every word, every gesture, every smile.
I found myself analyzing everything:
- "What did they mean when they said that?"
- "Was that showing interest or just being friendly?"
- "Do they think about me too?"
I started planning my life around the possibility of seeing them again.
Red Flag #1: Disproportionate Investment
Timeline reality check:
- Time known: ~2 months
- Actual meetings: 2 times
- Total time together: Maybe 6-7 hours total
- My emotional investment: 100% of my mental and emotional energy
This math didn't add up. But I couldn't see it then.
💔 October: When Reality Started to Show
October 25, 2025. Friday, 11:05 PM.
A phone call that would change everything.
I was honest. Vulnerable. I told them how I felt. I said I missed them. I wanted closeness. I even mentioned wanting intimate conversations—the kind reserved for people who are close.
Their response was gentle but clear: "Those kinds of conversations are for partners."
Translation: We are not partners. We will never be partners. This is a boundary.
They went on to clarify:
- "I don't want to hurt your feelings"
- "We can only have a sibling-type relationship"
- "I'm going to be very busy going forward, hard to meet"
- "I don't have those kinds of feelings"
It was a soft rejection. But it was still rejection.
Clear. Firm. Final.
I should have accepted it then.
But I didn't.
October 28, 2025. Tuesday.
Against all logic, we met again. The second meeting.
I picked them up from Blok M. They wanted to visit my office. We drove around. I dropped them at their dormitory.
The conversation was pleasant. Friendly. Professional, even.
But in my mind? I was spinning stories:
- "See? They wanted to see my office. That means something."
- "They made time for me despite being busy."
- "Maybe the rejection was just fear. Maybe this could still work."
I was in denial.
October 29, 2025. Wednesday.
The next day, I sent a message asking for photos from our first meeting on September 21st at FX Senayan.
They never responded.
Complete silence. No explanation. Just... ghosting.
🌙 November: The Unraveling
November 2, 2025. Saturday, 3:00 AM.
I couldn't sleep. My head hurt. My body ached. I couldn't take paracetamol (I'm allergic).
I found myself scrolling Instagram desperately, looking for... what? Signs? Hope? Validation?
I came across spiritual content and tarot readings saying things like: "They feel the same way. They're just scared. Wait for them."
I wanted so badly to believe it.
At 4:17 AM, in a desperate attempt to "move on," I tried to distract myself by fantasizing about someone else. Anyone else.
It didn't work. Their face kept appearing. I couldn't even escape them in my own imagination.
I kept telling myself: "I don't care. I HAVE to forget them."
But the more I tried to force it, the more it hurt.
Red Flag #2: Self-Destructive Coping
- Not sleeping
- Neglecting health (headache, no medication)
- Seeking validation from random internet content
- Forcing myself to "move on" in one night
- Desperate, unhealthy coping mechanisms
This was not normal heartbreak. This was something else entirely.
November 4, 2025. Tuesday, 5:09 AM.
I made a decision. I deleted our chat. I deleted their contact.
It felt like ripping off a part of myself. There was "something missing" in my heart.
But I knew I couldn't keep living like this.
November 11, 2025. Monday.
I finally went to a psychiatrist.
Their diagnosis: Limerence.
Not love. Not even a crush. Limerence.
💡 The Diagnosis: Understanding Limerence
What is Limerence?
Limerence is an involuntary state of intense romantic desire and obsessive attachment, characterized by:
- Intrusive, obsessive thoughts about the person (cannot stop thinking about them)
- Fear of rejection that is overwhelming and paralyzing
- Physical symptoms: heart palpitations, trembling, insomnia, loss of appetite
- Euphoria when reciprocation seems possible, devastation when it doesn't
- Crystallization: Idealizing the person, seeing them as perfect
- Projecting qualities onto them that may not exist
- Intensity wildly disproportionate to the actual relationship
- Dependency on their attention/approval for emotional well-being
Key difference from love: Limerence is about fantasy and projection. Love is about knowing someone deeply and accepting their reality.
The psychiatrist's advice:
- "Recognize this is limerence, not real love"
- "Cut contact completely until you're healed"
- "Understand that what you're mourning is your imagination"
- "The suffering is real, even though the connection wasn't"
Finally, everything made sense.
The Brutal Math:
- Known for: 2 months
- Met: 2 times
- Hours together: ~6-7 hours total
- My emotional suffering: Months of pain, sleepless nights, obsessive thoughts 24/7
The intensity of my feelings was completely disproportionate to the reality of our relationship.
That's limerence.
💔 November 21, 2025: The Grand Gesture That Failed
Friday morning.
I had a plan. A beautiful, romantic, completely delusional plan.
What I did:
- Skipped 3 university classes (I'm taking classes at multiple universities simultaneously)
- Got dressed up carefully
- Picked up my car (just got it fixed specifically for this)
- Drove to their workplace
- Planned to pick them up and spend the evening together
What I told myself: "This time will be different. They'll see how much I care."
What happened:
- They said they'd be done at 11 PM
- Time kept getting pushed back
- Eventually: "Sorry, I have to come in early tomorrow morning. Can't make it."
- I called them. They didn't pick up.
- I texted: "I really miss you"
- Their response: Cold. Formal. Distant.
I ended up alone. At midnight. Feeling like the world's biggest fool.
Red Flag #3: One-Sided Effort
I skipped classes. Got dressed up. Fixed my car. Drove across town. Waited for hours.
They: Canceled last minute. Didn't answer my call. Gave a polite brush-off response.
This is not how mutual interest looks.
📱 November 23, 2025: The Breaking Point
Sunday, 1:33 AM.
I couldn't take it anymore. I posted a WhatsApp status. A raw, honest account of what happened on November 21st:
"Skipped classes. Got dressed. Fixed the car. Drove across town. Waited for hours. All for someone you love the most—who couldn't even make it. And the funniest part? I'm not even mad at anyone but myself. Just sitting here, laughing at my own stupidity for trying so hard. What I thought was love now feels like obsession. Maybe the real fool was me all along. 🤡"
Sunday, 10:41 AM.
They saw my status. They messaged me.
"What does this mean? Sorry again, schedule changes happen often with me. I also didn't know you skipped classes. And I thought you had other business at the office."
They were apologizing. But also confused. They genuinely didn't understand the depth of my feelings—because I had hidden them behind lies about "having business at the office."
Sunday, 10:56 AM.
I finally told the truth. All of it.
I confessed that I had skipped classes for them. That the car was fixed specifically to pick them up. That they were my only "business." That I was disappointed when they canceled and didn't answer my call. That I didn't even know their 25th birthday was October 10th—I had missed it completely.
I poured out my heart. I was vulnerable. I was honest.
Sunday evening.
We had another phone call. They were kind but firm:
- "I don't want to hurt your feelings"
- "We can only be like siblings"
- "I'll be very busy, hard to meet"
- "I'm going to be posted abroad in 1-2 years (possibly for decades)"
The context that made it harder: They're a diplomat candidate. In 1-2 years, they'll be stationed overseas, possibly for the rest of their career.
This wasn't just "not now." This was "probably never going to see each other regularly again."
The relationship I was mourning had already ended before it began.
My last words to them: "Please still be my friend, and don't change."
My internal truth: "Though I'm not sure if that's even possible."
🪞 The Painful Truth: I Fell for a Fantasy
Here's what I had to accept:
What I Thought Was Happening:
- We had a deep connection
- We were compatible (same field, same background, shared interests)
- They were interested but scared/conflicted
- If I just waited or tried harder, they'd come around
- This was love, real and meaningful
What Was Actually Happening:
- We barely knew each other (2 months, 2 meetings)
- "Compatibility" existed primarily in my imagination
- They were polite but not interested—no mixed signals, just my misinterpretation
- They said NO clearly (October 25), I just didn't want to accept it
- I fell in love with an IDEA of them, not the real person
"I wasn't in love with them. I was in love with who I imagined they could be. I was in love with how they made me feel about myself. I was in love with the fantasy I constructed."
The Fantasy I Created:
In my mind, I had already written our story:
- How we'd grow closer over time
- How I'd be there for their important moments
- How we'd support each other's careers
- How this connection was "special" and "different"
- How eventually, they'd realize their feelings for me
None of this was real. It was all in my head.
The person I was obsessed with? That person didn't exist.
The real them—the actual human being with their own thoughts, feelings, boundaries, and right to say no? I barely knew them.
Limerence vs. Love: The Checklist
LIMERENCE (What I Had):
- Based on fantasy and projection
- Intensity disproportionate to relationship
- Obsessive, intrusive thoughts 24/7
- Fear of rejection paralyzes
- Idealization (they're perfect)
- One-sided, not mutual
- Disregards boundaries
- Can't accept "no"
LOVE (What I Thought It Was):
- Based on knowing someone deeply
- Intensity matches depth of connection
- Think about them often but not obsessively
- Can handle rejection with dignity
- Acceptance (they're human with flaws)
- Mutual, reciprocated
- Respects boundaries
- Respects "no" even if it hurts
📝 What I Learned (The Hard Way)
Lesson 1: Compatibility on Paper Means Nothing
I kept justifying: "But we're both in law! We have the same background! We have so much in common!"
None of that matters if one person says no.
You can check every box on a compatibility list, but if someone doesn't want a relationship with you, all those checkmarks are irrelevant.
Lesson 2: Effort Without Reciprocation is Exhausting
What I did:
- Skipped classes
- Fixed my car specifically for them
- Drove across town multiple times
- Waited for hours
- Constantly initiated contact
- Poured out my heart
What they did:
- Canceled plans
- Didn't pick up my call
- Gave polite but distant responses
- Ghosted after I asked for photos
- Set clear boundaries
This is not how mutual interest looks.
When someone wants to be with you, they make effort too. They don't make you feel like you're chasing them.
Lesson 3: "No" is a Complete Sentence
They said:
- "Those conversations are for partners" (October 25)
- "I don't want to hurt your feelings"
- "We can only be like siblings"
- "I'll be very busy, hard to meet"
I heard: "Maybe if I try harder... maybe if I wait... maybe if circumstances change..."
That was disrespectful to both them and myself.
They said no. I should have accepted it with grace and moved on.
Instead, I kept hoping, analyzing, looking for loopholes in their rejection.
That's not love. That's not respecting boundaries. That's obsession.
Lesson 4: You Can't Wait for "Someday"
Part of me thought: "Maybe they're not ready now. Maybe they need time. Maybe someday..."
"Someday" is not a timeline.
Someday could be next month. Could be 5 years. Could be never.
I can't put my life on hold waiting for someone else to be ready—especially when they've already said no.
Lesson 5: The Suffering is Real, But the Connection Wasn't
This is the cruelest part of limerence.
The pain I feel is absolutely real:
- The insomnia
- The aching chest
- The constant thoughts
- The longing
- The sense of loss
But the "relationship" I'm mourning never existed.
I'm grieving a fantasy. I'm mourning what I hoped could be, not what actually was.
The disconnect between the intensity of my suffering and the reality of our minimal connection—that's limerence.
🛤️ November 24, 2025: Day 1
Monday, 8:05 PM.
Right now, as I write this, I'm in the middle of attending 3 university classes simultaneously across 3 different institutions.
They haven't contacted me. And I'm fighting every urge not to contact them.
This is what healing looks like:
- ✓ Functioning (working, attending classes)
- ✓ Taking care of health (eating, diabetes medication)
- ✓ Resisting the urge to break no contact
- ✗ Still thinking about them constantly
- ✗ Still feeling the pain acutely
- ✗ Still wanting to check if they've messaged
It hurts. Badly.
Every part of me wants to:
- Send a "just checking in" message
- Look at our old conversations
- Check their social media
- See if they've viewed my status
- Find any sign that they're thinking about me too
But I'm not doing any of that.
Because I know:
- They said no
- I need to respect that
- Every contact resets my healing
- The only way out is through
Small Victories Today:
- ✓ Woke up and got out of bed
- ✓ Went to work
- ✓ Attended 3 classes
- ✓ Took diabetes medication
- ✓ Ate meals
- ✓ Did NOT contact them
- ✓ Did NOT stalk their social media
- ✓ Wrote this journal entry instead of spiraling
These might seem small, but on Day 1, these are HUGE.
🙏 A Prayer for Strength
Lord Jesus,
You know I'm hurting. You see my struggle. I cannot heal by my own strength alone.
Please give me the strength to: - Get through today - Resist the urge to contact them - Accept the painful reality - Learn from this experience - Grow wiser
One day, one hour, one minute at a time.
You are close to the brokenhearted. I trust You will carry me through this.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
💪 The Plan Forward
Non-Negotiable Rules:
- NO CONTACT - No initiating messages, calls, or any communication
- NO STALKING - No checking social media, stories, or status updates
- NO ANALYSIS - No re-reading old messages or analyzing past interactions
- NO FALSE HOPE - No looking for "signs" or spiritual readings
- 24-HOUR RULE - If urge to contact arises, wait 24 hours first
Daily Self-Care:
- ✓ Take diabetes medication religiously
- ✓ Eat regular meals
- ✓ Sleep before midnight (no 3 AM spiraling)
- ✓ Attend all classes and work responsibilities
- ✓ Go to gym as scheduled
- ✓ Journal when feelings become overwhelming
Support System:
- Friend - can call when struggling
- This journal - for processing feelings
- Prayer - daily connection with God
- Psychiatrist - continued professional support
Measuring Progress:
I will measure success by BEHAVIOR, not FEELINGS:
- Success ≠ Not missing them
- Success ≠ Not thinking about them
- Success ≠ Feeling completely over it
Success = Maintaining no contact despite still missing them
Success = Functioning in daily life despite the pain
Success = Choosing myself despite wanting to choose them
✍️ To Future Me
Dear Future Me,
If you're reading this weeks or months from now, I hope you're healed. I hope the pain has subsided. I hope you're proud of yourself for getting through this.
If you're fully healed: Remember this pain. Remember this lesson. Never let yourself fall into limerence again. When you feel this intensity again for someone you barely know—STOP. Recognize the pattern. Choose differently.
If you're still healing: That's okay. Healing isn't linear. There will be setbacks. Days where you miss them intensely. Days where you want to break no contact. That's normal. Just don't act on those urges. Keep going. You're closer than you think.
If you've relapsed (contacted them): Don't hate yourself. Limerence is powerful. But start again. Day 1 again. It's okay. What matters is getting back on track, not being perfect.
Things I want you to remember:
- They said no. That was their right. Respect it.
- What you felt was real, but what you imagined wasn't.
- Limerence ≠ Love. Know the difference now.
- You deserve someone who chooses you back.
- This experience taught you. It didn't break you.
"Limerence isn't love. Fantasy isn't connection. Obsession isn't destiny. And I deserve better than loving someone who doesn't love me back."
📊 Timeline for Healing (Realistic Expectations)
Week 1-2: The Crisis Phase (WHERE I AM NOW)
- Intense pain and longing
- Constant thoughts about them
- Strong urges to contact
- Difficulty sleeping and concentrating
- GOAL: Survive. Maintain no contact. Function minimally.
Week 3-4: The Adjustment Phase
- Pain still present but slightly less intense
- Some hours pass without thinking about them
- Urges to contact become less frequent
- Better sleep, better functioning
- GOAL: Build routine. Increase healthy activities. Continue no contact.
Month 2-3: The Progress Phase
- Think about them maybe once or twice a day
- Pain is duller, more manageable
- Can focus on work/studies better
- Starting to feel like myself again
- GOAL: Reclaim life. Pursue interests. Maintain boundaries.
Month 3-6: The Recovery Phase
- Rarely think about them
- When do think about them, no intense pain
- Can remember without being triggered
- Open to new connections (healthy ones)
- GOAL: Consolidate lessons. Build healthier attachment patterns. Move forward.
Month 6+: The Wisdom Phase
- Mostly moved on
- Can reflect with perspective
- Grateful for the lesson
- Able to recognize limerence patterns early
- GOAL: Apply wisdom. Help others. Live fully.
🎯 Why This Journal Matters
I'm writing this for several reasons:
- Catharsis - Getting these thoughts and feelings out of my head and onto "paper"
- Accountability - Having a record of my commitment to heal and not contact them
- Perspective - Being able to look back and see how far I've come
- Warning - Reminding myself never to fall into this pattern again
- Evidence - Proof that I DID survive Day 1, and I can survive Day 2, and Day 3...
This is my anchor. When I want to contact them, I'll read this. When I start romanticizing what we had, I'll read this. When I feel weak, I'll read this.
This journal is my commitment to myself, to my healing, to my future.
💭 Final Thoughts (For Tonight)
It's now 8:30 PM. I'm still in classes. I'm still functioning. I'm still hurting.
But I'm also still HERE. Still fighting. Still choosing healing over comfortable fantasy.
Things that are true right now:
- ✓ I miss them terribly
- ✓ I wish things were different
- ✓ I want to message them
- ✓ Part of me still hopes they'll reach out
- ✓ It hurts so much it's physical
Things that are ALSO true:
- ✓ They said no, and I must respect that
- ✓ What I felt was limerence, not true love
- ✓ I barely knew the real them
- ✓ I will heal, even if it takes months
- ✓ I am choosing myself tonight
- ✓ I am stronger than this pain
- ✓ Tomorrow, I'll wake up and do this again
"Day 1 is the hardest. But I'm surviving it. One hour at a time. One choice at a time. One breath at a time. I'm choosing myself. I'm choosing healing. I'm choosing truth over fantasy. And that's enough for today."
Written on November 24, 2025 at 8:30 PM
By someone learning to love themselves more than they love a fantasy
By someone choosing healing over hope
By someone on Day 1 of a long but necessary journey
To be continued...
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